Lying on my mat today, I was feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for my teachers, grateful for my colleagues, grateful for guided meditations and grateful for myself.
You see, nobody came to my class today! nadie, ingen, zero. I could’ve just ignored it and gone to lunch, but something told me that I should embrace all the feelings I’ve been walking around with lately and just do a Kali Goddess balance yoga class. Who is Kali and why do this today, inside, in a big gym hall on the warmest day ever? The funny thing is it wasn’t even a debate in my head. It just made sense to choose that particular YouTube video and spend the next 20 challenging but wonderful minutes on myself. Balance has often been hard for me, both on and off the mat. Today it felt like I wanted to work at it.
After barely making it through the balance asanas I realized how much I still need to spend time with myself, alone and with my own practice. While listening to my teacher Brett Larkin talking about what Kali represents and some of the things, she really is trying to teach us, everything made so much sense. I wanted to challenge my negative thoughts. I wanted to fight through my old beliefs and practice self-love. But for some reason there were no shoulds and musts. It all felt effortless, like I was taking care of and doing the perfect thing for myself right there and then.
Happiness (and calmness as I would add) like some say does not lay outside of us. If we carry it within us, there is not much that can destroy us. Maybe I did create my current situation, I actually think I did. I wanted time to create, I wanted freedom to explore and I wanted to do my thing. It makes sense and it makes me feel better to accept this fact and move on, it feels better to be fearless and embrace opportunities that will show up.
After the class I laid down in Savasana and listened to a nine-minute guided meditation on acceptance with Sarah Blondin, one of my favorite meditation teachers. As I laid there alone, in the big empty gym hall, tears running down my cheeks, I experienced extreme gratitude, joy and a sense of calm. Right then I started to think that I just had to write a blogpost about it as soon as the nine minutes where up. The meditation ended and as I picked up my phone to find the note app, my phone died.
Divine intervention? maybe…so I just accepted it, stared up at the gym hall ceiling and felt calm again.
I am so glad nobody showed up to my class today.